-My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 now, & we don't know where the hell she is.

-Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly, until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

-Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

-In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

-The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

-Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

-I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothpaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavities. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much

-So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers..I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here..is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors....you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard .....what are they thinking?

-And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue...They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. 'What about the bangs are they shorter?!?...Are the bangs shorter?!?...THE BAAANGS!!!

-The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble